One expectation that rarely ends in disappointment is the consistency of sky color during the month of January in Chicago: gray. The only variation is in the spelling of the word, which changes only slightly as does the hue of the winter sky. No matter how you slice it –or spell it--grey is gray. In the color scheme world, gray may be an achromatic or neutral color; however in the emotional world, grey evokes a blasé feeling, moving toward the darker side of a mood swing. Since I have no power to change the weather, I am going to change the subject.
The standard definition of the verb expect is “likely to happen or arrive; to look forward to”; expectation is simply the noun form—a particular result or outcome a person is looking for. However, one of the most insightful definitions I have heard regarding expectation, centers on its practical implication: Expectation is predetermined resentment. This description has given me pause to think each time it comes to mind. In two words, it neatly ties together motivation, action, and reaction in describing the expectation dynamic that occurs in relationships—those living sources of both exceeding joy and great pain, reviving hope and crushing disappointment.
We have all been on both ends of the expectation continuum: the expector and the expectee. We are either the one creating the expectation, or the one from whom the expectation is being elicited. Every day of family life is rife with examples of expectations at work, from those that are trivial to those of great consequence and effect. I expect my children to perform certain duties and have a good attitude toward life and people. I expect my husband to do XYZ (I don’t trust myself not to land in a heap of trouble were I to be more specific), and he likewise expects ABC from me (he would definitely get himself into hot water if I asked him to delineate his expectations). My husband and I could produce reams of documentation on the times expectations have been the breeding ground for interpersonal conflict—and sometimes all out war.
Unfulfilled expectations can be hard to process, deal with, and accept. When one is expecting the house to be reasonably clean when one returns from work and it is not, the first reaction is not usually one of understanding or gratitude. When one’s children blow off a class or assignment in school, to their detriment, one does not normally give them a high five or pat on the back for their decision. Anger, frustration, or disappointment—sometimes all three concurrently—are common feelings or reactions. Resentment is waiting in the wings to make its grand entrance and take over the party of negativity.
Once set, an expectation becomes the standard of satisfaction and anything less demands an explanation or remedy. When the demand draws a subpar performance, the pot remains stirred and the atmospheric conditions take a turn for the worse. Expectations are an integral part of our daily lives; some are so ingrained, we are no longer aware of their presence. Expectations that are identified as troublemakers are handled in a variety of ways: confronted, ignored, adjusted, exchanged, adapted, refused, accepted, thrown out, buried, defied, mocked, flaunted, heralded, trumped, lamented, advocated, praised, hated, or loved. Take your pick; most likely we have tried a number of these on an alternating basis with varying degrees of success or failure.
What are we to do with expectations? Embrace them or trash them? Change how we see them? Change the way in which we deal with them? What value do expectations have? It has been easy to think myself into a tight knot when I ask or attempt to answer these types of questions. I have more often than not, ended up on my knees, muttering in frustration, “Expectations—can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
Fortunately, God has never shared my quandary or sense of dismay. As long as I’ve been willing to work with Him, He’s been more than happy to work with me. He’s still working with me on sorting out my expectation conundrum, but I’m making progress.
Psalm 139 is a wonderful go-to Psalm when my thinking gets muddled, my perspective gets cloudy, and my emotions have mutinied and taken control of the ship. When I cannot locate myself or see my way clear, God finds me and leads the way unto sunnier skies.
“O Lord, You have searched me and known me…You understand my thought afar off.”
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